I’ll admit it: I can be a bit of a control freak, especially when it comes to my family. My teenagers like to tell me to stop “micro-managing” them.

It’s hard. I see them making a bad choice, so I point that out and try to change it. But – and this will probably not surprise you – it doesn’t work.

Maybe they eventually come around, but it has to be on their terms.

In fact, trying to control my kids is probably the least likely way I am going to get them to change.

The same holds true in any relationship, whether it’s with a parent, partner, colleague or friend.

Why controlling others backfires

Often when we’re trying to control, we’re doing it out of a feeling of worry, fear or frustration. We think if we don’t intervene, something is going to go wrong.

And though we typically don’t intend to communicate our worry, our emotions are being communicated all the time.

Through unseen processes in our brain and nervous system (e.g.  mirror neurons, and neuroception), people are constantly assessing our feelings. They can even feel our feelings to some extent – emotions are contagious.

So we are always sending signals – unintentionally – to the people around us through facial expression, body language, eye contact, movement and tone of voice. These signals inform their nervous system.

If we’re anxious or wanting to control, we going to send subtle signals to that effect. Since no one likes to be controlled, the response is likely to be a form of resistance.

People want to make their own choices. In fact, research shows that even being told that we’ll have a choice can activate the brain’s reward system.

Control what we can control

Instead, we need to shift the focus to all we can really control – ourselves.

By the same neurological processes involved in sending social signals (see above), we can positively influence people by first changing ourselves – what we are feeling and thinking, and how we’re showing up with them.

Are we present and open? Or are we wanting something from them, wanting them to be different?

Whether we are present and listening, or whether we have an agenda will affect how they feel with us, and how they respond.

Positive expectations

When you think of the person, people or team that you want to change, what is your first thought about them?

Does that thought recognize their positive attributes and aspirations, or does it focus on their challenges and what needs fixing?

How we are thinking about someone affects our feelings about them, our expectations of them, and how we treat them.

One study of expectations and IQ scores showed that children who had been artificially labeled as “ready to bloom” showed greater gains in IQ scores than those who had not been described as promising at the end of the school year. The conclusion? The expectations had caused the students and teachers to treat those labeled “smart” differently, and this treatment affected their performance. (For more, listen to this Invisibilia podcast.)

Trabian Shorters, CEO of BMe Community, describes the importance of “asset framing” in creating change. When we begin with a person’s aspirations and motivations, we change the patterns in the brain which often create narratives about people according to a negative aspect or challenge in their lives (e.g., “at-risk youth”).

By framing people according to an asset or aspiration, we don’t ignore their challenges. But we also don’t start with that. We don’t define them by that.

This asset framing is an internal shift. And a powerful one.

The shifts that lead to change

Even the most savvy parent or leader will struggle to make someone change by trying to control them.

Instead, we can do the internal work to:
(1) show up with openness and presence;
(2) have positive expectations about them; and
(3) see their aspirations first.

These inner shifts change not only our brains and behavior, but through the signals we send, can change people, and relationships.

That’s not woo-woo. It’s neuroscience, and it’s do-able.