Why Saying No Is Hard

Saying no can be very hard, especially if we were taught to be a people-pleaser.

If we say no, we might upset someone. And then we risk disapproval. For some of us – and often my clients – that can feel like a risk not worth taking.

Many of us were raised and socialized to seek social approval, particularly girls. Often this approval even equates to our self-worth. The more people like us, the better we person we must be, and the better we can feel about ourselves.

Social approval is a reward the brain learns to anticipate when we please others. Even anticipation of that reward causes a release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with reward and pleasure.

And if you anticipate social approval but instead feel disappointment or rejection because you set a boundary, the brain will pay attention and remember that the next time so you can avoid the negative response, i.e., say yes.

So we’ve got some good reasons to not set boundaries and say no. But what do we lose?

Downsides of Saying Yes

Obviously, when we don’t say no, we often end up taking on too much, leading to stress, overwhelm and resentment.

But another, more subtle downside of prioritizing people-pleasing is losing connection with yourself.

If we prioritize pleasing others, and that becomes our guide for our decisions, then we stop checking in with our own values, desires and beliefs as our guide.

We strengthen the neural patterns for people-pleasing and weaken those for honoring our own values and needs.

We can lose our internal compass, and base our self-worth on social approval. Unfortunately, it tends to be a never-ending process.

Upsides of Saying No

Saying no is not unkind. It’s about self-care, self-compassion and self-worth.

Respectfully setting boundaries is a message to others that we value ourselves and our time. But more importantly it sends a message to ourselves that we deserve to have our needs met and our time respected.

Each time we say no, we begin to break a pattern of people-pleasing and strengthen our internal compass. It builds our voice, confidence and our authenticity as we become the guide.

Saying no is not selfish. In fact, I once heard Brene Brown describe a study she where she was researching what made people more compassionate than others, and she found that the most compassionate people had the strongest boundaries. (Here’s a short clip of her describing this.)

Like the oxygen mask on the plane: you gotta put it on yourself first.

A Just-Say-No Challenge

Saying no and setting boundaries is challenging, especially if we’re breaking a pattern. But the choice is always ours to make.

And the good news is, because our brains have neuroplasticity, we can absolutely change our patterns! As we do, saying no becomes easier.

So I invite you to take a Just-Say-No Challenge. In the next week, can you say no at least three times?

Sometimes what is asked of us is beyond what is needed; what is expected of us is not what we truly want; and how someone treats us is not ok. I challenge you to express your boundaries and respectfully say no.

One tip: try starting in smaller-stakes situations – e.g. a stranger at the grocery store who cuts you in line, or a family member asking something of you – and then build up to ones that feel harder.

Give it a try! I recall one client hesitant to take on this challenge who ended up actually enjoying it!

Post a comment and let me know: are you in? What are you saying no to?

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash