No one likes to feel they’re being judged. It can make us feel small and defensive.

Still, most of us would have to admit that we are sometimes the one doing the judging.

Though our judgments may help us feel better in the moment, ultimately they keep us from connection and confidence. Understanding why we judge can be the first step toward greater compassion (for others and ourselves) and toward change.

Being the judge

Every day, we make countless decisions about what’s best for ourselves, our families, and our careers—from what we eat and wear to how we spend our money and time.

And because there’s no single “perfect” way to live your life, there’s a lot of room for comparison and judgment.

Sometimes we may even judge others without realizing it. Even at the grocery store or on the street, do you ever find yourself disapproving of a stranger?

Why our brains judge (it’s not all bad news)

Our instinct to judge is not a personality flaw. Our brains are actually wired to make quick judgments about others. From an evolutionary perspective, this ability helped our ancestors survive. Making rapid assessments about whether someone was friend or foe, whether their intentions were helpful or harmful—these snap judgments kept us safe.

Our brains are also constantly trying to guide us by quickly categorizing people and predicting their behavior. It’s a feature, not a bug.

The problem is, sometimes those judgments are wrong.

The brain’s shortcut problem

When we judge others—especially strangers or people we don’t know well—our brains take shortcuts. Research shows we tend to overestimate personality traits and underestimate situations when forming opinions about others. This is called the fundamental attribution error.

In other words, we see someone behaving a certain way and assume, “That’s just who they are,” rather than considering, “What situation might they be in?”

This makes sense from a brain efficiency standpoint. When we don’t have much prior information about someone, our brains fill in the gaps with assumptions. But those assumptions can lead us astray.

The in-group/out-group effect

Research also reveals something fascinating: we judge people from our “in-group” (people we see as similar to us) differently from those in an “out-group” (people we perceive as different).

We’re more likely to give in-group members the benefit of the doubt, considering their circumstances and intentions. But with out-group members, we’re quicker to judge and slower to empathize.

The emotional side of judgment

Beyond the brain, there’s often a hidden emotional component to our judgments. When we are judging others, we’re usually trying to make ourselves feel better.

Brené Brown, author and research professor, says that we judge people in areas where we feel vulnerable to shame ourselves: “We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency.”

In the moment of judging, we briefly feel superior to the person we’re judging. It’s a temporary boost, but it can come with a real cost.

Judging others harms connection

Most of the time we don’t speak our judgments aloud, but they can still be hurtful. They can register in the other person through a glance, facial expression, tone of voice, or lack of supportive words.

But even if our judgments seem to have no effect on others, they still affect us. They create disconnection with those we’re judging.

When we judge, we cut off empathy and compassion and put people in an “other” category. We can’t see connection and similarities.

It can become a vicious cycle, creating more isolation and judging.

Judging others harms confidence

If we’re quick to judge others, we’re likely quick to judge ourselves. And judging ourselves harshly affects our confidence and how we feel about ourselves.

Ironically, the more we judge others, the less confidence we likely have in ourselves. I know from my coaching practice, as well as my own experience, that when you are truly confident in yourself and your abilities, you tend not to judge what others are doing.

If you believe and trust in yourself, then you’re not worried about how you compare to others, and you don’t need to boost yourself up by putting others down.

Another person’s perspective (and what we don’t know)

Here’s a humbling truth: we often judge without knowing others’ motivations, circumstances, or the full story.

No one is ever going to make all the same decisions you do or live according to the same set of rules and priorities. Even siblings, partners, and friends are individuals who make different decisions based on their own history, temperament, capabilities, and available resources.

What’s more, the judgments we make are often based on false assumptions.

I heard a story once from a meditation teacher that is a perfect example of this attribution error. He was on a subway sitting next to a father whose children were misbehaving. The father was doing nothing to control the unruly children, and passengers were getting annoyed. When the teacher turned to speak with the father about his children, he learned that the family was just coming from the hospital after their mother had died.

And just like that, one’s perspective completely changes.

Four questions for turning judgment around

The truth is, most of us are trying to do our best. No one is perfect. We’re going to make mistakes, and we’re going to make different choices from each other.

So instead of judging each other, let’s recognize our connection and be more confident in our own choices.

How?

The next time you notice a judgment come up, stop. And don’t judge yourself for having the judgment—that’s a double whammy! Just notice it (remember, your brain is wired to do this), and ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I really know the whole picture, or am I making assumptions?
Am I overestimating their personality and underestimating their situation? What circumstances might I not be aware of?

2. Is there something in this person’s situation that I can relate to?
If I saw them as part of my “in-group” rather than as different from me, how might my perspective shift?

3. How am I feeling about myself and my decisions? Am I judging myself harshly?
Is this judgment really about me and my own vulnerabilities?

4. What might be this person’s struggles? Can I turn the judgment into empathy, compassion, or even some kind words?
What motivations or challenges might be driving their behavior that I simply can’t see?

Moving forward with awareness

Understanding that our brains are wired to judge doesn’t excuse judgment—but it does help us approach it with more self-compassion and awareness. When we catch ourselves judging, we can recognize it as our brain doing what brains do, then consciously choose a different response.

That choice—to pause, question our assumptions, and extend compassion—is where our power lies. And it’s a practice that strengthens both our connections with others and our confidence in ourselves.

Let’s connect

What are your thoughts on judgments? How does it feel to be on the giving or receiving end? I’d love to hear from you—shoot me a message or share in the comments below.

And if this post resonated with you, please share it with someone who might benefit.