“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

In this time of stress and overwhelm, how are we making others feel?

Improving communication and making others feel safe is a powerful way to meet the moment in today’s stress and overwhelm. But if it’s not in what we say and do, then how?

The neuroscience of subtle communication

Whether you call it a feeling, instinct, sense, or vibe, there is the subtle way that we communicate with each other.

It’s not a conscious cognitive process, but it’s not woo-woo either.

It’s neuroscience.

Have you ever met someone and right away you feel uneasy, even though you can’t put a finger on why?

Or you hear a person’s words, but don’t believe them?

Subtle but vital processes in the brain and nervous system are always informing and guiding us.

System 1: mirror neurons

When we observe a behavior or expression in a person, we have mirror neurons in the brain that activate to give us a similar feeling of what we observe.

If someone sees me smiling, their mirror neurons for smiling fire up, and they experience a mild sensation of smiling. This helps them better predict what I’m feeling and intending towards them.

System 2: neuroception

Our autonomic nervous system also regulates our interactions through a process called neuroception. Neural messages travel reflexively from the body to the brain in order to answer the question: “Am I safe with this person?” (See also the Polyvagal Theory by Dr. Stephen Porges.)

This process uses cues such as facial expressions, body language, volume and tone of voice to decide: safe or not safe?

2 ways to help others feel safe

Although these processes are automatic, we can work with them if we become conscious of them.

We can use them to improve what we’re communicating and how we’re making others feel.

When a client wants to prepare for a challenging conversation or meeting, I often focus on these processes over what needs to be said.

Here are 2 critical ways to improve how we make others feel:

1) Slow down. Slowing down our breath, movement and speech invites a sense of safety and is the opposite of a stress response.

2) Mind-body awareness. Checking in with the body and getting curious about sensations, posture and expression help us recognize and shift the signals that we give off.

While we can’t always change our thoughts or feelings in a moment, we can always change (a) our breath; (b) our posture; and (c) our face.

Shifting these can change both how we are feeling ourselves (through an automatic process of the nervous system interoception) and how we’re making others feel.

These are simple but powerful ways to improve our communication and connection in today’s stress and overwhelm.

What is one small step you will take to make a shift to improve how others around you are feeling?